Despite beavering away on the blog when I have a spare sec, I’ve been pretty quiet on the social media front the past couple of days… I know everyone that follows me there has noticed, and has really missed me?!
I’ve not been feeling great and my go-to response is to clam up. I know it seems stupid coming from a writer/blogger, but there you have it – I internalise.
It’s one of the reasons I started the blog I suppose. But still, I find it much easier to reflect and vocalise afterwards, rather than get it out at the time.
This can be, and has been, very damaging for me. It can lead to isolation, loneliness and destructive behaviour, which in turn often leads to further anxiety and even depression. Sometimes it leads to an emotional explosion.
It’s not that I don’t trust people, or that I don’t have people to talk to – I do.
I could break down so many intellectual reasons why I don’t talk. That I don’t want to let people down, or let them see me weak. Maybe I’m too proud. That I don’t want to betray whoever/whatever has contributed to the ‘episode’ by talking about them. Maybe I’m too loyal. That they’re my problems, so I should be able to deal with them (and everyone else has their own, anyway). Maybe I’m too independent.
But I don’t think about these specific things in the midst of a low. I can only ponder on them afterwards. At the time, the best way to describe it is that I feel forcibly, physically and mentally, gagged.
The question is, how do you remove a gag when you’re so used to your hands being tied?