It’s my wedding anniversary next week and we’ve been married 8 – yes, that’s 8! – years already. Time flies when you’re having fun, eh?! Through house moves, children, redundancy, bereavement and endless Netflix boxsets, you’re looking at a lady who’s accumulated a fair amount of information on the strange species that is ‘The Husband.’
So, if you’re thinking of getting one, or exchanging your current model, be sure to read my handy guide on the pros and cons of husband-keeping.
Since everyone loves a good moan we’ll start with the cons, shall we?
Cons of adopting a 6ft man child
- They inexplicably begin to believe they live in a hotel, taking a new towel for every shower and leaving the used one on the floor for housekeeping. Except you’re housekeeping, and you know exactly what those stains are.
- They put empty boxes and bottles back in the fridge and cupboards. Then go to make themselves a coffee and express genuine surprise that there’s none in the jar.
- They will engage in little 1950’s fantasies and do things like ask you to take their shoes (and even socks, if they’re feeling brave) off for them. Watch out for the near-orgasmic groan as you lever those humid bad boys off.
- They never, EVER replace the toilet roll. Be prepared for a lifetime of angry wees as you stare at the empty roll hanging lifelessly on the holder and undertake the old shake and run, a questionable skill perfected from a youth spent largely in filthy nightclub toilets.
- They, much earlier than expected, start transforming into old men. Hairs will sprout (NB. there’s a high risk you’ll be asked to pluck or trim them); they will start referencing unsubstantiated ‘aches and pains’; they will begin to complain that they haven’t slept, despite your lying awake all night listening to their snores. If they don’t already have an all-consuming black hole of a hobby, one will be imminent.
- You will never again be able to just choose a film and watch it. There will be endless negotiations (one Bridget Jones is worth two Bruce Willis); hours of ‘What do you want to watch? I don’t know, what do you want to watch?’ tennis; passive aggressive tutting; and endless scrolling until you both fall asleep on the sofa (only to be awoken by the dramatic splash of the husband losing grip on his glass of vin rouge).
But it’s not all sweaty socks and bodily functions. Let’s take a closer look at the pros.
Pros of getting your very own love God to put a ring on it
- You have a constant ear for all your random tales about what you overheard at the local shop, which old school friend (who you’ve not seen in 20 years, but you still stalk on Facebook) is having an affair and last nights complex and elaborate dream. And they have to listen. Because you have the good stuff in your pants, and you’re not afraid to withhold it.
- They have wonderfully strong chests with big arms that wrap around you and armpit nooks where you can safely nestle to escape the outside world.
- Even if they don’t like them either, their desire to be a competent and masculine husband specimen means you will never have to dispose of a spider yourself again.
- You can squeeze a bottom whenever you like (in a consensual and respectful way, obvs) without getting arrested.
- They mow the lawn, hang pictures, change lightbulbs and carry out all manner of helpful tasks that you’re perfectly capable of doing yourself, but can’t be arsed. And anyway, you might as well make the most of societies inherent sexism where you can.
- They will love you. When you’re tired, grumpy, puffy, smelly, sad and your hair can only be described as otherworldly. They will love you.
So there you have it. My summary of husbands – the good, the bad and the ugly. Are you signing up to Tinder as we speak, or calling a lawyer? I’m off to ask for wine and cop a feel.