‘10 questions to ask yourself’ – How to discover your true sense of self

Recently I was flicking through the August issue of In The Moment magazine, and I came across a really interesting piece by psychotherapist and relationship coach Pam Custers. In it, she talks about how finding a sense of peace and understanding in ourselves is usually when we‘re happiest, and when we’re happiest is when we tend to make the right choices for ourselves. She explains that as we grow up “that journey takes us into exploring our authentic self and we soon realise that when we are aligned, we feel a sense of comfort and when we are trying to be something we aren’t, then we are in a level of anxiety.”

Her words resonated with me and, reflecting now, I can really connect moments of feeling truly lost in myself with periods of intense depression and self-destructive behaviours, and I think my ongoing internal struggle to find myself, and happiness, definitely contributes to persistent day to day anxiety now. Although, just as Pam suggests, as I’ve begun a more mindful journey this year, looking at self-improvement and actively pursuing what makes me happy, I have begun to feel better in myself and notice some key changes and steps forward.

In the article, Pam explains how identifying our core beliefs can help us to understand whether we are “genuinely happy in our jobs, relationships and the status quo of our lives” and she sets out 10 key questions that can shine a light on our true feelings and help us make the right decisions for ourselves.

So, I thought I’d give them a go and see what impact the exercise could have on me and my own journey.

Who am I most connected to and why?

My family. I’m an only child so grew up in a tight knit little unit with my parents.

I met my husband pretty early, by modern day standards at least, when I was 21 and so we’ve really grown up together. We’ve shared all the most important highs and lows of our lives together and have two beautiful children. I call us the little Wolf Pack and I can’t imagine being so connected to, in love with or as fiercely protective of anybody else.

Who gives me the most comfort?

Again, my family. If I’m in a quandary, my parents (usually!) know the right thing to say to make me feel better. And after a long day, I want nothing more than to give my sons a great big squeeze and then snuggle up with my husband and a glass of wine. When I imagine comfort, I see all of us cuddled up together, at peace.

What are my fears? Why?

Having read my answers to the first two questions, it will come as no surprise that losing my family is a big one!! I have nightmares about splitting from my husband, and I try my very best to avoid thinking about death at all times. The most painful part is that their loss is inevitable, in one way or another, which makes the fear even more acute.

On a purely individual front, I’ve always had a fear of failure, and of not being enough, on pretty much every level from the physical to success to career to relationships. This definitely stems from childhood experience and has continued through to adulthood, resulting in the additional fear and dislike of change and loss of control.

What are my core values – why do they matter to me and others?

I would break my core values down into 4 areas: 1) Love, understanding and empathy; 2) Fun, humour and adventure; 3) Creativity and learning; 4) Communication and honesty.

They’re at the same time my defining characteristics, and what I strive to be better at. They’re so important because they’re values that make us all better people, benefitting not just the individual but the whole community and, without getting too political, if we had a greater representation of these values within our ‘elite’, perhaps we’d live in a better country than we do right now.

Which strength am I most grateful for?

My resilience. Through all of life’s ups and downs (and we’ve had a fair few), I seem to have developed this strength that emerges, some sort of inner dogged determination, which has helped us to keep moving forward as a family when we could have easily fallen apart. It’s on reflection when you realise just how important that strength is.

If I could change one small thing to make my life better, what would it be?

I’m sure everyone would say, a bit more money would improve things…! I don’t have a desire to be dripping in jewels, more to enjoy the comfort and stability that comes from not having to worry about money. And I suppose specifically, I would love the satisfaction of earning an income from what I enjoy, of knowing that that stability for my family comes directly from my passion, my creativity – from my soul.

What are my proudest moments? Why?

Instantly when I think of pride, I think of my children, and the incredible little people they’re turning out to be. But for the purpose of this exercise I really want to challenge myself to think of something that relates to me specifically, because I’m pretty appalling at being kind to myself and celebrating my own success. Any moment that should have been filled with pride for me in the past, academic achievement or job success, has always been tainted with doubt, criticism and anxiety.

I think that overcoming (or at least trying to) that negative mindset and starting blogging this year, knowing nothing about it and just learning on the go – and then really taking advantage of that platform by throwing myself into new opportunities – has to be one of my proudest moments. And I’m hoping that the changes that I’m making will lead to many more.

What makes me unique?

There’s no doubt that I’m a melting pot – I’m a weird mix of Disney princess and gory horror fiend; of confidence and neuroses; of sociable and introspective; of pink and blue.

Over the years I’ve struggled to understand myself as I tried hard to find a box that I fit comfortably into. But I’ve come to realise that not fitting into a box is a good thing, and that my eclectic mind is what makes me special.

What do I do to show myself love?

I try to pay attention to when I’m low on batteries and make an effort to recharge (although I’m usually guilty of leaving it a tad too late..!) I try to make some time to do what makes me happy – films, a nice meal, in an ideal world a lie-in! I show myself love with the little things. But I’m well aware that my internal dialogue needs to change from self-hate to self-love for me to really feel the benefit of looking after myself.

If I had no fear about being hungry or homeless, where would I be in one year?

I’d be earning a good living from writing, really enjoying what I’m doing and pushing myself to take risks and pursue new opportunities. I’d be travelling with my family, having adventures, and be about to publish my first children’s book.

So what have I learned from answering Pam Custer’s 10 key questions? Well they’re sometimes tricky to answer, and quite emotional actually, but it’s really interesting to see what comes out when you ask yourself these kinds of questions and take the time to think about how you really feel. I recommend giving it a try.

It’s clear for me that my habitual self-criticism and fear has held me back and showing myself some more love, encouragement and compassion (as I happily show to others), is key to moving forward successfully. A healthier relationship with myself, fuelled by love, inner strength and a desire to do the best for my family, might just be the key to unlocking my potential.