It’s that dreaded time of year when the media is full of ‘new year, new you’ messaging, your social media is awash with Dry January and Veganuary and you can’t escape the ‘what are your resolutions?’ questioning. I can feel myself, totally subconsciously, dialing up the self-hatred to a hundred. It’s what these messages are designed to do. Make us believe we have a bunch of problems we need to pay to fix. And we’re so conditioned by year after year after year of this messaging, I could feel myself responding to it, even before I’d seen my first Slimming World advert.
Usually, it would be something I’d wrestle with in the same old negative ways and not think much more about it. But this year, the COVID lens has me thinking more than ever about the impact on our children. The fear, the resentment, the segregation that they’re just soaking up through little person osmosis. Every negative emotion amplified, as the ‘be kind’ social media movement is nowhere to be seen.
If we don’t act now, the next generation of children is going to make our swirling balls of neuroses pale in comparison. As the old saying goes, change starts at home. And if we can’t be kind to ourselves, how can we help our children to be?
So, as always, I’m putting my ponderings down on paper, and sharing my ideas for teaching self-kindness to kids. And you never know, you might change how you treat yourself in the process.
Affirmations
Lots of us have started giving positive affirmations a go, and seen a real benefit too – so why not have a go with the kids? You can buy affirmation card sets specifically for children, but I think it’s even better to work with them and develop positive messages just for them.
Sit down with your children and brainstorm all the things they like about themselves. Try to encourage them to think about different areas of their personality, as they may naturally tend to focus on one area they feel most comfortable with.
Then get out the colouring pens or raid the craft drawer, and get them to make their own personalised cards.
This can lead on to some great conversations around emotions, how they make children feel, when and why. Try asking them what colour or pattern represents each affirmation. For example, “I am brave” might be orange and decorated with bold print; “I am clever” might be blue circles drawn in coloured pencils.
This is also a brilliant stealthy exercise for you to get an understanding of how your children feel about themselves, without having to ask them directly (when we all know they clam up tighter than Scrooge’s coin purse). Are they focusing too much on body image? Do they disagree with any of your suggestions? This simple activity is sure to give you a lot of insight.
Then help your kids integrate those lovely homemade affirmations into their daily routine. If your family is anything like mine, mornings are crazy, so evenings are a good time for them to grab some quiet time – and then they go to bed with self-kindness in their hearts and minds.
Self-care
Self-care isn’t just for adults! It’s vital for everyone, so why not start ‘em young?! At first it might seem like a tricky concept to explain, especially to younger ones, but it’s really just about encouraging them to take some time out for things that make them happy; to help them identify which things might cause stress (like a long day at school) and which things help them to relax and feel more comfortable again. It’s a great way to encourage intuition and listening to your body and mind early on.
I’ve made a home spa for my sons, complete with foot spa, dressing gowns, my basket of creams (not the posh ones!) and a relaxing waterfall on the TV – good old YouTube! Sometimes they just want to climb into my bed with a snack. Your children’s versions of self-care will be unique, just as your self-care might be different to your friends – the important thing is that they are afforded the time to recognise what they need, and the space and support to make it happen.
Teaching self-kindness and the importance of calm early on will help them start to understand balance and discover sustainable ways to nurture mental and physical health.
What did you say?
Children are naturally going to have their own anxieties. They’re going to see that other kids in the class are better at a subject than they are, and start to say they can’t do it or they’re no good. We have to really try and catch every one of those moments of self-doubt and re-frame them. Not with “of course you can do everything darling, you’re perfect!” That’s equally damaging. But we need to help them recognize that some people are better than others at certain things, that we all get better with practice, and even if you just are crap at maths, it doesn’t lessen you as a person any way.
If you hear them criticizing themselves during homeschool, or when trying on a new outfit, ask them if they’d speak to a friend like that? Would they tell their bestie they were stupid, chubby or whatever else? Of course not! Kindness is a choice, and they have to actively make the choice to show it to themselves, in a world that doesn’t necessarily encourage that as the default.
Learn from example
We all know kids are sponges. So we can tell them these things until the cows come home, but they need to SEE it and soak it up.
I’m a prime example of someone who has a negative thought stream constantly on the go – I’m not sure I’ve said more than one or two nice words to myself since about 1997. But I NEVER say any of those negative things in front of the kids. They don’t hear me chastising myself for not being good enough. They don’t see me poking my wobbly bits. They have enough to deal with, they don’t need my shit too.
And if you’re talking to them about self-care, make sure they see you practicing it. Set boundaries for yourself, so they appreciate it’s OK for them to have boundaries too.
If you’re talking to them about affirmations, say yours with them. Let them see you working on caring for yourself and making yourself a priority.
Like everything, building good habits comes from repetition, so incorporate little things every day. Choose a book about kindness at bedtime; make it into a game; get them hooked on self-care Sunday.
Long-term resilience and strength isn’t about denial, working harder and bulldozing through. It’s about patience, self-development, time and compassion. The next generation need to hear this, now more than ever.
Let me know if you have any top tips to share.
Jo x
Such a lovely post and so wise! This last 12 months has been seriously hard on children. As adults, we have understood what is going on and been able to adapt, for children, it has not been as easy. I’m not one for affirmations, but I am a great believer in taking time out when you need it and my daughter also has that ability. Sim x
This is such a great post Jo, My son is 13 (tomorrow!!!) and his self confidence is in the gutter. I am trying really hard to build it back up again but I think coupled with the general early onset of the teenage angst, he is struggling.
I am going to try these ideas. Thank you for sharing x
This is really important and not something we even often think about. It’s good to learn to be kind to ourselves from a young age. It helps to teach by example.
You have inspired me! Tomorrow we are going to take a break and I am gonna do some of the things you have suggested as it is so important for children to be kind and love themselves too
These are some great tips, I am definitely going to work on some affirmations with the kids.
Yes, children do pick up a lot and many children certainly do learn by example. I believe children do notice their parents attitudes and behaviors, particularly ones that aren’t being specifically taught.
Fantastic advice. My oldest has really suffered this year after our move (new school in Year 11), and even his teachers have noticed the self-doubt he has. It’s important that they take note of everything they have achieved.
I think self care and self kindness is important regardless of the age of the person, and you’re right this past year especially kids have got to feel good about themselves and the situation as much as us adults do x
Love this post and totally agree, the next generation has so much to cope with right now and its best to teach them kindness – self-care is so important
Love this post!! After such a difficult year for most people this is such a lovely read and a great way to be positive x
I really enjoyed this post! I think you are right that we need to be aware of children’s self awareness and anxieties, particularly during the pandemic. I love the idea of the spa and the positive affirmations on the rocks! Thanks for sharing.
Such a lovely post. I’m not very good at self care, but I know I need to try a bit harder and teach the kids how to think about self kindness too!
Great tips. Telling the kids to respect others and be kind is very nice even when others are bad. Instead of directing them to the same one, we take them to the better one. I like that. Thank you for sharing!
This is so, so lovely! Affirmations are such a wonderful to teach children and even to teach adults x